The Pre-emptive Critic


Eagle Eye
September 24, 2008, 2:27 pm
Filed under: pre-emptive review | Tags:

Shia LeBeouf and I actually have a lot in common. And not just in the fact that we both pretend to we’re talking to giant robots. We also both wonder things.

In his most recent movie, Eagle Eye, LeBuff is wondering why his room is full of weapons and explosives.

I’m just wondering how the crap you spell his name.

Later LeBurrow wonders why a mysterious woman calls him and tells him everything he needs to do just when he needs to do it.

In the mean time, I’m wondering what cell phone provider he’s with. He gets way better reception in the police station than I ever do.

In the end LeBleach also wonders how he got dragged in a massive conspiracy involving a super powerful secret combination, guns and a moderately hot leading lady I’ve never heard of.

Finally I’m wondering why this punk kid, who started as one of the Even Stevens I’ll remind you, thinks he can carry an action movie. Hey LeBarf here’s something you’re EagleEyes must have missed, you weigh like 143 pounds after dinner but before you use the bathroom. The only reason we watched you before is you were playing opposite of two of the biggest names in action.

But now, on your own? Let me spell it out for you.

No Indiana?

No Optimus?

No me.

I pre-emptively hate this movie.



The Bourne Ultimatum
August 3, 2007, 3:38 am
Filed under: pre-emptive review

Jason Bourne is back, taking the fight to the people who made him and boy is he really cheesed off.

 

I just hope he can hold the camera steady this time.

 

It’s a shame the fight scenes in one of the biggest action flicks to come out this summer very possibly could be filmed by a poorly trained monkey with ADD. I’m serious, did you see “Bourne Supremacy?” That one scene looks like the time my Grandmother tried to record Christmas.

 

Of course, it’s an ever bigger shame that in today’s movie scene, Matt Damon counts as an action star (save us Jason Statham, save us).

 

Nauseating cinematography aside, I’m really looking forward to this movie. Even when you take away the fact I get to watch in on the company dime and time. I’ve really enjoyed the Bourne series. They’re intense, quick and, most importantly, simple.

 

In a world where action films are requiring that I pay more and more attention, (I’m looking at you Scorsese) the Bourne trilogy tells you exactly what is going to happen in the title. In “Bourne Identity” we learn that Bourne has an identity. In “Bourne Supremacy” we learn that he is supreme. From what I’ve seen of the trailer, in the “Bourne Ultimatum” he going to give some one an ultimatum.

 

I can’t wait for the next one “The Bourne Credit Score” where he applies for a loan (he has to kick the crap out of the guy though because he gets a bad rate because of all the Identity crap from the first movie). Or the fifth one “The Bourne Trip to the Store for Milk and Bread.”

 

I pre-emptively love this movie.



No Reservations
July 26, 2007, 2:33 am
Filed under: pre-emptive review

Let’s cover the facts.

 

 

Chefs are always mean.

 

 

Bullies are mean.

 

 

Aunts who are forced into caring for orphaned nieces and nephews are always mean.

 

 

Cathrine Zeta Jones is mean (she won’t return my calls).

 

 

Bees are mean.

 

 

Old ladies on the bus who won’t share their gum are mean.

 

 

 Cows are nice most of the time, but can get really mean if you throw enough dirt clods at them.

 

 

People who make me watch romantic comedies are really mean. Way meaner than anyone else one my list, except the bees.

 

 

Therefore, by the scientific process of algebra we know that I am going to be mean to this movie. I have no reservations (the best thing about be a pre-emptive critic is the real obvious lines are still available) about saying that I pre-emptively hate this movie.



Hairspray
July 20, 2007, 5:34 am
Filed under: pre-emptive review

It’s that time of the year again.

 

There are a few thing that make us totally miserable, but we have to do them anyway so we arrange it so we only have to do it once a year.

 

These are things like doing our taxes, dealing with relatives or eating candy corn.

 

Lately though this laundry list of annual chores has grown beyond buying new underwear. Now every year I have to sit through another movie based on a musical.

 

Why can’t Hollywood get a hint? There should be no movies with dancing in them since Gene Kelly died. Just like there hasn’t been any movies with kick boxing in them since Jean-Claude Van Damm died.

 

(I know his not really dead, but come on, did you see that one with Dennis Rodman? Yeah, he’s dead to me)

 

So after “Phantom,” “Rent,” and all the other Broadway goes Hollywood films now we have “Hairspray.”

 

I don’t mean to sound like I don’t think musicals can handle important topics, but I’m not really feeling that the issue of “can fat chicks dance” is really worth an hour and half of my time.

 

And as far as I’m concerned, they can’t.

 

Or at least shouldn’t.

 

I pre-emptively hate this movie.



I Now Pronouce You Chuck and Larry
July 19, 2007, 3:53 am
Filed under: pre-emptive review

I want to be Adam Sandler.

 

I’ve wanted to be him ever since “Airheads,” where I learned that a man no more talented than me can act like an idiot and get to make out with hot chicks on film and get paid millions of dollars for it.

 

Then he did “Little Nickie” and I haven’t wanted to be him since.

 

No amount of million dollar make outs with Drew Barrymore is worth being associated with that film.

 

But now with “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry” I want to be Adam Sandler again.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be married Kevin James.

 

But on a movie weekend where people have deal with problems like restarting the freaking sun (“Sunshine”) or have JonTravolta as your mother (“Hairspray”) Adam Sandler has it pretty sweet.

 

Mr. Sandler just has to figure out what to do all the hot chicks he had in his back room while he pretends to be married to Mr. James for a while.

 

I would love to have a problem like that.

 

Besides, if you have to be fake-gay married to some one in Hollywood, you can’t do much better than Kevin James. He’s way funnier than people give him credit for, he seems like a real down to earth guy and as your fake-gay husband he could never give you crap about letting yourself go.

 

So yeah, fake-gays, hot chicks in the back room and a lack of Jon Travolta in drag add up to make this a movie that I pre-emptively love.



Dead or Alive:
June 13, 2007, 3:59 am
Filed under: pre-emptive review

I actually admire the Dead of Alive franchise. Not from a video game standpoint but from a marketing one. This is a series that knew it didn’t get the game play aspect right. It didn’t get the story aspect right. It didn’t get the amount of freezer waffles included in the game right (the game came with zero, the correct amount would be four).

What the folks down at Dead of Alive did get right, however, was the important scientific discovery that the typical game player – a horny 14-year-old boy – really likes impossibly proportioned women fighting in impossibly small outfits.

 

Rather than waste time trying to fix it’s faults, DoA played on it’s strengths. The programmers worked days and night to find ways to make the skirts shorter, the legs longer and most importantly, the boobs bouncier.

 

There are three questions we still don’t understand about physics: The true nature of light, what exactly dark matter is and the equations behind how boobs move. What precious little we do understand though we owe to the hard working men at DoA.

 

They’ve labored, studied and experimented for years trying to get everything right, down to the last detail. Finally one day, someone must have said “Hey, why don’t we use real boobs?” and with that, the Dead of Alive movie was born.

 

And I pre-emptively love it.



Bug
May 22, 2007, 3:08 pm
Filed under: pre-emptive review

The story about a waitress who goes crazy and thinks she has bugs under her skin is not the movie most people would chose to go up against a highly anticipated, action-adventure romp full of pirates, explosions and cleavage popping out of coresetes.

 

Yes, I know I spelled that wrong, but I don’t dare Google coresetes at work.

 

Some people may go so far as to suggest that the good folks down at Lionsgate have lost their marble or at least, gone buggy. But I think this is the most brilliant move since they double stuffed Oreos.

 

Think about it. This film is gonna flop, big time.

 

It’s summer time. Movies like, that would merely struggle in the winter, scream in pain over the summer time.

 

This is because no one wants to think over the summer. You might convince a few people to think about pirates, but even that’s gonna be pushing it. They don’t want to think about some crazy abused woman and they certainly don’t want to think about bugs.

 

But by releasing the same day as summer movie with more sea monsters than character developments and more sword fights than lines of dialog, “Bug” can shrug its shoulders and say “How much did you expect us to rake in, we were up against ‘Pirates’?”

 

Everyone hates bugs.

 

Everyone hates the mentally unstable.

 

And I pre-emptively hate this movie.